The beginning of the journey.

I am still feeling in denial. I guess because it's so early & while I feel a few symptoms (mostly the sore boobies), I'm just not ready to be like, "WOOHOO!" Part of me thought that I'd never be here again. & yet here I am. & I am TERRIFIED. It's amazing to look back at my other pregnancies & the carefree feeling I had with them. This automatic feeling that the end would deliver a healthy baby that I got to take home. Now it's "I need to just get through this 24 hour period without crying or freaking out or wondering what the hell I am doing."

Listen, I know. I know I should be joyful. Excited. & I am to a point, but the part of me that is trying to protect the woman who is still grieving her little boy's death .. it's not allowing me to be like that right now. It's not that I don't appreciate this pregnancy. I do. I just can't allow myself to be blissfully ignorant to the reality that might await. I hope that I can get through it full term & that I get to bring home a child. That is all I can hope for. I want few problems. I just want to have something go smooth for me. I need it.

So far, I am about 4 weeks & 3 days. I'm calling this one... "Polkadot". So much for not getting attached immediately. Sigh.

Perhaps today will be a good day. It IS 1/11/11 ... & 11 is my lucky number so .. yay.